From "Dennis"

Every once in a while those forwards of a forward of a forward — those endless e-mail chains bring something decent to my mailbox.
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This relates to the American presidential race. I am, after 40 years, revisiting Rabelais, so my thoughts have turned recently to satire.

It seems that, with all of the religious demagoguery we are seeing in the presidential race, a few revisions of the gospels must be in order.  These changes to the gospel might serve them well:

Replace "Blessed are you poor" (Lk 6:20b, Mt 5:3) with "Cursed are you poor. Quit bothering me. Thou art lazy."

Replace "When you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret" (Mt 6:6) with "Pray at all times in public, especially in schools and in all places in order to be seen by others."

Replace "Sell your possessions and give to charity" (Lk 12:33a) with "Keep all you have, unless you can get a good tax break. Then, toss a few crumbs."

Replace "Give to him who begs from you and do not refuse him who would borrow from you" (Mt. 5:42, Lk. 6:30) with "Tell those who beg from you to get a job. Tell those who would borrow from you to first raise their credit rating."

Replace "Blessed are you that hunger now" (Lk 4:21a, Mt. 5:6a) with "If thou art hungry, thou shalt urinate in a cup, pay for it, and if it is clean we might give you gruel and a biscuit." (Based on several state proposals to drug test welfare recipients.)

Replace "Love your enemies and do good to those who hate you" (Mt. 5:44, Lk 6:27) with "Hate those with different pigmentation or language or religion or hair color or whatever excuse you can find; then, try to kill them."

Replace "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her (Mk. 10:11, Lk 16:18, cf. Mt. 5:31) with "Marry thy high school math teacher and when she gets old, find a trophy, and when she gets old find another, then suddenly become a Catholic and lay off the Viagra, lest ye shall needest thou another trophy."

Replace "You are missing one thing: Go, sell whatever you have and give the proceeds to the poor..." (Mk10:21, Mt. 19:21, Lk. 18:22) with "Buy stocks."

Replace "How hard it will be for those who have riches to enter the kingdom of God" (Mk 10:23, Mt. 19:23, Lk. 18:24) with "The kingdom of God is underneath the Fortune 500 sign."

Replace "Don't acquire possessions here on earth" with "More, More, More! Now, Now, Now! Warm up the credit card!"

Replace, "When someone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other as well" (Lk 6:29, Mt 5:39) with "Preemptive strikes are the way to go. Nuke 'em."

Replace "When someone takes your coat, don't prevent that person from taking your shirt along with it" (Lk 6:29, Mt. 5:40) with "Keep your Second Amendment arsenal armed and ready to go!"

Replace the six sentences of the Samaritan parable (Lk. 10:30-35) with four
words: "Corporations are people, too."

Replace "It is easier for a camel to squeeze through a needle's eye than for a wealthy person to get into God's domain" (Mk 10:25, Mt. 19:24, Lk 18:25) with "Medication, stapling the stomach, gastric by-pass are all keys to the rich entering the kingdom."

Replace "Since when do the healthy need a doctor? It's the sick who do" (Lk. 5:31, Mk 2:17, Mt. 9:12) with "Let the poor die if they can't afford health care. Blessed are the health insurance lobbyists, for they serve the wealthy."

Finally, the demagogues can replace the crucifix with an image of an electric chair.